So, the bloke who initially found his wife's ability to express her feelings attractive, now finds her capacity to use her emotions too much to bear. And, the woman who was drawn to her partner's 'silent strength' might eventually find herself frustrated by her husband's inability to express his feelings. For many couples who are going through a difficult patch, the first professional they confide in may be their GP. This article looks at some recent research that shows a link between physiological arousal during marital conflict and the level of satisfaction in a relationship.

In his research on the signs of marital distress, John Gottman, professor of psychology at the University of Washington, decided to focus on two questions:

1. How do long term relationships change over time?
2. Are there any particular patterns that characterise those couples whose relationships deteriorate over time?

Through videotaping and monitoring couples while they were discussing a major area of disagreement in their marriage, Gottman observed facial expressions and changes in physiology such as heart rates, blood velocity, skin conductance and gross motor movement. He hypothesised that the higher the physiological arousal the more likely the longitudinal deterioration of the marriage.

Couples at time 1, who had faster heart beats, who sweated more and moved more during marital interaction, or even when sitting quietly but anticipating marital conflict, had marriages which, three years later at time 2, had deteriorated. Using the physiological data gathered at time 1, particularly that of the husband, Gottman found that he had a 90 per cent success rate predicting which couples would have separated by time 2. These results are about as strong as, for example, those studies that link blood cholesterol with cardiovascular disease. Conversely, couples who were physiologically calmer during their interaction had marriages that improved over time.

Also, some patterns of relating were strong indicators of a relationship in trouble. When female partners were only compliant and agreeable, marriages would deteriorate. Similarly, when husbands withdrew as listeners in a pattern called stonewalling (characterised by avoiding eye contact, a rigid neck, few facial expressions, and not using the usual non-verbal means of communicating - such as nods or brief vocalisations), marital satisfaction decreased over time.

Gottman believes men stonewall because they feel flooded by the emotions involved in conflict and he showed that they took longer to recover. Women emoted more quickly but they also recovered more quickly. Stonewalling is frustrating for the wife, who then works harder to try to re-engage her husband. Eventually, the wife will tire of trying to engage the husband, then she also withdraws expressing criticism and disgust. When both partners have withdrawn and are defensive, the relationship is on its way to separation and divorce.

Another interesting finding was that men who did housework were less overwhelmed by their wife's emotions, less likely to avoid conflict and had lower heart rates during conflict than men who did no housework. As well, hot marital conflict by itself is not destructive to marriage if it also includes positive affects, such as touch, humour, positive problem-solving, agreement and non-defensive listening. Positive affects reduce physiological arousal. And, for marriage to be on an improving path, the ratio of positive to negative events needs to exceed 10 to 1.

In conclusion, if a patient says they are easily agitated in situations of conflict or they are experiencing heightened physiological responses then they probably need some assistance. If a husband says that he often feels like walking out and a wife says that she is losing respect for her partner this couple's relationship is deteriorating.

The future of marital/couple therapy, according to Gottman, may simply mean helping couples to monitor their physiological responses during fights, promoting more realistic self talk, showing men ways not to withdraw and women how to better express their requests. Finally, couples can be taught better ways of resolving conflict. On this note, I agree with Winston Churchill who once said: "To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war."

Michael Hawton is a counselling psychologist based on the Northern Rivers of NSW.

This page was last built on 21/01/2003. It was originally posted on 30/8/1998; 8:22:00 PM.